Rest In Peace Dad

It breaks my heart to report that my father has passed away.

I saw so many similarities between him and myself, and felt that I had so much more to learn from him, and to talk to him about. But he went so quickly. I remember constantly thinking he would figure a way out of this. I mean, everyone seems to be recovering from cancer these days. Lance Armstrong beat cancer and then won a record number of Tour De France's.

But in less than a month, he is gone. He was admitted to St Francis Hospital in late May and was told he has cancer that has metastasized (spread) to other parts of his body. He was told there was no treatment for it. Not happy, we tried to get him admitted to UW Hospital and the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. They told us there was a wait, until June 30th, for the next available appointment. So he went back home to Mt Rainier after spending a night in my bedroom. He was better for a few days while resting at his house. But then he started feeling worse and was admitted to Overlake Hospital in Bellevue about a week ago.

I never thought this would be the last time he left his house, left his car, and all his belongings.

At 11:42 AM on Thursday, 06.19.2008, he took his final breath next to my mom, sister and myself. No one else. I think he wanted it that way.

All that time when he was in the hospital, I remember going to work, and then to the hospital afterwards. No matter how sick dad looked, I thought things would get better. But I first knew things were bad when I saw my dad cry for the first time.

What sucks the most about this, is when I see something that would appeal to my dad, "Sale at REI? Oh, sweet, I gotta tell da..." and then I realize I can't. When I went to his place to start packing some of his belongings, I remember looking in his car and wanting to cry. I'm sure the last time he got out of that car, he had no idea he would never get back in. He had left it as anyone else would have, like he had planned on driving it everyday. His hat sitting on the passenger side, water / food and other emergency stuff... and he always had to have a garbage bag hanging somewhere.

And up until that point, I had always wondered why he decided to trade in a newer Civic with 20K miles (that was paid off) for a brand new Toyota Sienna in January of 2008. Gas prices were soaring, and he would have to get a loan for the new car. Plus, no guy wants a minivan, right?

But not with my dad. His dream car has ALWAYS been a Sienna minivan. He loves Toyota, and loves going camping. So he always felt the Sienna would be perfect for him. And at least now I know that he got to drive his dream car for 5 months before he passed away and had no regrets.

It pains me to do some of the things required of me. Sorting through his belongings, making funeral / casket arrangements, paying some of his bills, deciding whether to keep things, sell things, or throw them out. But even the things I hadn't thought about before. Like... do I keep his cell phone number? He's had his cell number for 10 years now. Since 1998. To me, it's part of his identity.

I'm sure I just need some time to heal. I still expect him to be there when I call... and for him to be happy to hear from me. His love for his children was deep, and is what kept him here in Washington when the rest of his family was still in Korea.

He would treasure the things my sister and I bought him. I see the Arc'Teryx outdoor gear he kept in pristine condition, even though I know he wore those items quite often. The high-end hiking boots I bought him from REI were still as good as new. I remember how he loved using my REI dividends when I received them. He never ran out of things to buy there.

He was so proud of everything my sister and I did. He wouldn't always say it but you could tell by his mannerisms. He was always extra difficult on me, hoping I would become better at everything and would never settle for anything (whether it was my driving, rock climbing ability, my Korean speaking ability or a million other things). I may not have liked this approach when I was in high school, but I've appreciated it ever since.

I remember how he would never let me buy cheap things. When I wanted to play tennis, he bought me a racket that I borrowed once from a coach and fell in love with. Except, I never thought I would get it, because it was a $200 racket that was only sold in Pro Shops. Then, one day I come home and it's sitting in the garage.

I remember my 3rd grade birthday, I had a bunch of friends over, like Tyler Miller and Zach Johns... and my dad said he was going somewhere. When he came back (from Toys R Us), he had a brand new Nintendo set with him and I remember Zach yelling at everyone, "Jin's dad got the new Nintendo!" Then we played on the PowerPad for hours.

I remember in 5th grade, my class was going on a field trip but we were one adult short. So I called home and dad said he would come along. I remember our group of friends would just run around all day at the zoo, because my dad was so laid back about keeping the group together.

He was always the 'cool' dad. The one who taught me how to ski, to golf, to roller blade (he was a speedskater in Korea)... He let me drive his Land Cruiser when I turned 16, so I felt pretty tough driving that around school and out to lunch. He was always well dressed and well groomed and would make comments when I wore baseball caps and sandals.

He lived a privileged, yet stressful existence. Life was unfair to him. And I still think (at 56), he left much too soon. I miss you pops, I love you, and I'll see you again one day. This Blog post does little justice to the influence you've had in my life... I will honor you through my actions and will make you even more proud.